Sunday, March 8, 2009

Broadcasting Hormonic Harmonics

Framed Up

It wasn't long into my childhood I accepted the fact that my gene pool in nature was blessed, or suppressed, with limitations of my bones' reach and gravitational pull to the moon.  The spin around the sun and our moon's wobble around the Earth creates the perpetual motion machine that remains hidden in each and every one of our stem cells, brain cells, mitochondrial magic and nucleotidic narcissism.  I've always thought our bones grew to stretch to their potential from the moon's gravity (as evident in my childhood, when I would hang upside down in hopes that Earth's gravity would stretch me out into a giraffe) - but alas, as much as I pried and pulled and stretched and reached, I was bound to the 5'X" frame defined by my X and by my Y.  

At the very least, I was blessed with Myles and GH-2.  These two buds of broadcasting spread their reach through the FM Frequency q22-q24, home of harmonious sounds of the late '80's and '90's - and allowed their message to be heard by my receptors for a period that had interference from Vedder, Bono and Maynard.  To find the station q22-q24, I really didn't have to do too much, X and Y implanted Myles and GH-2 on chromosome-17 of my mutated make-up, so I really didn't have a choice in what I listened to, even if I was on a trip to the Moon with Floyd.  

Whigging Out
But blessed that I was that Myles and GH-2 were broadcasting, I grew.  My bodily functions raced to catch up and it wasn't until I was into my 3rd decade, 120th trimester, or 360th dance with the moon that I feel grown up.  Finally fully developed, and as the ecstasy user would say to his dealer - I've peaked...  It's remarkable that at this point in time that I finally feel ready to make unadulterated decisions - decisions that I can truly make for myself.  Decisions that aren't the same as my elders, and based on my viewpoint of the world.  

One decision I have made, is that it marriage should be illegal for anyone under the age of their 360th dance with the moon.  Ok, ok... I understand this type of statement requires some explanation - please continue...

First off, I shouldn't have used the word 'illegal' - this has such an ugly connotation, how about - 'Restricted'.  As if by the time your 30 years with the sun, you finally get admission to the nastiest, R-rated movie of your life, one that lasts forever and that you've dedicated your whole 30 years to finding... X-Rated scenes will be optional (lights on or off) while the decision will be made, with the obvious recognition that the price of admission to the theater will go up 33%, to make a shift to a G-rated and PG-13 lifestyle...  We should restrict the age of being admitted to the circus of marriage to those of the age of 30 and over.

Hormonic Balance
Of course, special circumstances need to be allowed, for example, if you are lucky enough to find everything that you wish for before the age of 360 moons.   At this point in time, you may have been with your mate for a period of time, and the decision has been made to procreate, or adopt, in the special case of mutual sex mate matching.  If this decision is made (or has been made in those that don't adopt policies of birth control) the applicants will a) file for certificate #62-&%D-314-C at their local municipal offices and b) wait for approval... wait for approval (insert cold feet here) c) before you can say 'I Missed My Period', you'll find yourself planning the celebration of a lifetime - your wedding day.

Now one caveat to the misery I've explained - Al Bundy needs to explain a few things why life with Peg was such a nightmare...  The restriction of marriage until your 30 means that individuals need to accept the fact that human beings may not be fully developed until the age appropriation.  With that in mind, we are still adolescents under the age of 30 (and I do apologize for those of you that are more mature than others in this instance) - our brains may not have fully developed and peaked, and we may not know the in's and out's and birds and bees to their full extent.  We need an educator, or a doctor, or a therapist, or a counsellor.  Once a moon shake, that's all I ask.  Once in a blue moon, once in a moon's smile, once in a few moon, once in a moon's while... we go to ask a counsellor, what we are getting into.  This restriction must be made to only those with underdeveloped brains, or those under the age of thirty.  The price of admission will be equal to the price of underaged marriage.  

i.e. 1 year of marriage counselling = 12 visits; 
cost of said visits = $1200 (or $100 an hour, or cost of marriage certificate); 
the everlasting image of divorce rates below 60% - Priceless...

New Harmony in Wabash
The prospect of love and marriage will always be marred by the broadcast of growth hormones, pheromones and the hematomic state that humans exhibit before the age of 30.  I know this because I used to be irrational.  I used to have an underdeveloped brain.   Now that it's peaked, I can only guess that it is downhill from here.  Saggy bottoms and saggy tops - gravity pulling me back down to the earth.  The moon has shone 360 times in my life - and has stretched my body and mind to it's full potential.  A full circle of life.  I now start the circle of life back down to the earth - back to an eternal resting point.  I'm having a midlife crisis, Myles and GH-2 are about to turn off their broadcast - time to buy a Porsche. 

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